i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
