i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
