i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
