So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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