I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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