Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
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He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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