1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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