She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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