I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
