If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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