thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
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How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
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On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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