oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
