just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
