She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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