your room smells of hookers.
And success
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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