I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
