I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It was like giving head to a cactus.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
