my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
