My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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