Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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