How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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