yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Randomize
