If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
