those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
