she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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