I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
