o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
How many fucks given?
0.12846
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
