I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
