I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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