Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
