There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
