FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
