I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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