You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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