What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
