I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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