"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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