I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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