Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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