Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
