If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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