I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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