The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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