awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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