party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
