if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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