My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
