$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
