You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
