i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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