She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
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Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
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STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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