My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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