SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
