Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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