Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
