please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
