Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job