toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Jerry, you need to find god
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
