I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
