God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
