You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We have so much sex to catch up on
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
